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mushroom soup
muruku
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fishball soup
noodles ("fishball noodles, I only want the yellow noodles.....")
ebbiko
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stories for my girl

Recollections on the end of a relationship

I write this for my daughter, so in time she will understand the position of her father in her childhood. If she ever feels she did not see enough of me , or if ever she thought she never had a normal family. What I cannot express in subtlety I try to make up in volume.

Does anyone in a relationship know exactly when it dies? When my marriage was long dead I went on my own river Styx , looking for an Eurydice dead and unfeeling. Because I refused to believe how a person can deny the humanity of the other in a relationship. I never saw a trace of a living soul . Many things happened which would not be featured in any play or movie, because no playwright or screenwriter would be able to come up with the necessary plotline.

In the remains of a an empty marriage I thought I could salvage some part or resemblance of a family or some kindness for my daughter. Hope does notspring eternal. I don't know if I tried hard enough but I know one party alone cannot build or resurrect anything when the other is hell-bent on destruction.

I remember that in that time my heart had become, a wasteland ( to borrow a phrase from St Augustine). A dark dark place where a river of sorrow flowed . My daughter was nothing more than a tool for her mother to hit out at me. My pain for Summer was joy for her mom. It is an evil thing to do, when we are made to be lower than an animal. Even animals have maternal feelings. But one cannot search forever among the dead for compassion or pity. From that river, eventually I came back to the land of the living.

When Eurydice saw him
huddled in a thick cloak,
she should have known
he was alive,
the way he shivered
beneath its useless folds.

But what she saw
was the usual: a stranger
confused in a new world.
And when she touched him
on the shoulder,
it was nothing
personal, a kindness
he misunderstood.
To guide someone
through the halls of hell
is not the same as love.

Orpheus & Eurydice- Gregory Orr

For the most part I have left that forsaken place since . But when I dream, I dream of what could have been for my daughter. A pale wraith holding my dreams for my girl. When I cannot sleep I hear my Euripedes calling. How to turn back?

So my darling girl, if papa cannot be everything to you, he still loves you with everything in his heart. Happy birthday my little four year old

happy video- daughter laughter

Happiness is ...the sound of a 3/4 year old laughing

winds of change

Well its another year for the chinese (which includes me).

As in the previous years, I didn't get to see my girl. However this time around , strangely enough, I don't feel so much pain anymore for myself and my girl. I am not quite sure whether its because I have given up fighting, or whether distance really fades the feelings I should have as a father.

In a surreal manner, my wife has done so much harm and hurt I cannot in honesty regard her as human. Perhaps the chinese beliefs about past lives are true. By her actions in all these years I came to believe human beings have souls. Some souls purer than others , I guess . In everyone's life we meet some holy people and some rascals along the way. Very rarely we will meet someone who cannot relate to goodness and the things ordinary people take for granted as necessary for happiness..If demons exist in human form, then I had the misfortune to meet one.

I cannot find a place to stand where I have to hate. and anger fades away in the end also. There is a poem , by whom I forget. The words are also half forgotten.

I thought the fire had died
I stirred the ashes
And I burnt my fingers.

Goodbye ashes.

Ox coming..

I was promised I would be able to see my girl on this Saturday, which is the week before Chinese New Year for 2009.

So. First I get a change of schedule on Thursday night, to Friday today. This morning as usual , I find I get another broken promise. My daughter taken back to the woman's hometown, and I don't get to see her. Why make promises when you don't intend to keep them huh?

On another note, she still won't tell me where the supposed "new school" is . A very strange world this is.

This is Depresso, signing out for the end of the Year of the Rat. Rats!!

Cue to some blue skies please...

la belle et la bete

No prizes. Its "post a scary picture of the month time."

vid

Oops forgot. Bday video , a few seconds of video anyway. She is singing "Happy birthday" to herself.

STOP!!! Bday

Summer turned 4 yesterday. We had a small dinner and i got off some photos. Despite having the runs, she was cheerful enough, but she didn't really want to eat, except for some cake topping.

I have noticed that in the last few months her command of language has picked up. Actually, I have been running a secret experiment on my girl since before she was born. She has had lots of fish in her mother's womb...and recently a fair bit of ebiko and tobiko in her diet (when I used to pick her up after school, she would be steered towards sushi.....)

tiny food critic

small series of photos, unretouched and unprocessed. A tiny messy happy foodie.

Lion sleepee tonight

on Dance
I took my girl out last Saturday. As I promised to her, we went to a trial class at a dance studio. She was way too small and she kinda felt it. She was afraid and kept clinging to me on and off. But my girl wanted to join in the class and she didn't want to leave either. So...Now I have to wait, until she is a little bigger and older.

A photo of the studio. Except it came out really dark. She's the tiny kid in the foreground (if you can make her out in the darkness). She unclung herself to me long enough for me to fire one shot.



Now I have figured out the video function, its time for the obligatory post. I can demonstrate my daughter will sleep on me wherever and whenever. Incredibly even through a Lion dance....and I can tell you it was indoors and DEAFENING!!

books

I bought whole bunch of books recently, so I probably take a small break from this blog......

ma plus belle deception

My most beautiful disappointment/Ma plus belle deception

I'm justing testing out the video thingie.

2009!!

I managed to see my girl for new year, and took a couple shots of her. Spent 8 hours with her, so I feel a little happy. (Except for the fact that I don't know where her school is, nor where she lives at all).

So, I won't comment about the situation with my daughter; I will only post one or two shots
She has grown a moustache...!
I guess my girl is growing....