another week goes by

NO reaction at all to letting me see you. Maybe slowly we will forget each other, bit by bit? Papa is at wits end. Its no good being in pain all the time. So Papa will write about other things for the time being.

See, Papa has been listening to some albums by Carla Bruni. Ms Bruni sings and writes with some intelligence and sensitivity which would be notable for the average songwriter. Papa likes "Le toi du moi" which is hyper-clever. For a bit of fun, Papa has got some of the lyrics down here.

T'es le Laurel de mon Hardy
T'es le plaisir de mon soupir
T'es la moustache de mon Trotski
T'es tous les éclats de mon rire
Tu es le chant de ma sirène
Tu es le sang et moi la veine
T'es le jamais de mon toujours
T'es mon amour t'es mon amour

translated (by Papa, so please excuse errors, if any)

You're the Laurel of my Hardy
You're the pleasure of my sigh
You're my mustache of my Trotsky
You are the breaking of my laugh
You are the song of my siren
You are the blood and I''m the vein
You're the never of my always
You're my love you're my love

Whimsical song, she keeps the counterpoint in every line, save and except "T'es mon amour t'es mon amour". As there are always two sides to the coin, but the coin itself is one (Zen like eh?) As you were my eyes when I was blind ,and you were my light in the darkness.

For this line, there is no synonym nor antonyms, no counterparty, no opposites. Allegorically there is no replacement, it stands on its own, singular and unique. A throwaway line, slipped in so casually seemingly. A quiet intelligence. So to my little girl. I have no replacement for my feelings for you.

T'es mon amour t'es mon amour


I will see you soon.

Stories for my summer - around the world

Once upon a time. Lord Siva and his consort, the Lady Parvathi had two sons. Lord Ganesan stout and strong and Lord Murugan, proud and quick. The parents had a fruit, very precious. (Don't worry, this story got no snakes. Elephant, got. Peacock got. But no snakes)

Anyhow, both the boys wanted the fruit. And boys being boys, they wouldn't or couldn't share. So how? The father Lord Siva, " All right boy. Winner takes all. Both of you, race around the world. The winner gets to take and eat the prize."

Lord Mrugan immediately sets off, confident that as a peacock , he would win. After all his brother was strong as an elephant , but slow. How could he lose?

Ganesh sits down. How to win? He didn;'t want to trot around the wolrd. Not an elephant thing to do. My parents want me to go around the world but do they actually? And what is the world actually but a construct, an illusion??

"Papa, Mama please stand together".

Lord Ganesh then goes in a circle ambulating around his parents. "Papa, mama, you are my world. And I have gone around my world!"

Moral :The world is as big or as small as you want it to be. And with a bit lof love and imagination everything is possible.

Ox coming..

I was promised I would be able to see my girl on this Saturday, which is the week before Chinese New Year for 2009.

So. First I get a change of schedule on Thursday night, to Friday today. This morning as usual , I find I get another broken promise. My daughter taken back to the woman's hometown, and I don't get to see her. Why make promises when you don't intend to keep them huh?

On another note, she still won't tell me where the supposed "new school" is . A very strange world this is.

This is Depresso, signing out for the end of the Year of the Rat. Rats!!

Cue to some blue skies please...

Lion sleepee tonight

on Dance
I took my girl out last Saturday. As I promised to her, we went to a trial class at a dance studio. She was way too small and she kinda felt it. She was afraid and kept clinging to me on and off. But my girl wanted to join in the class and she didn't want to leave either. So...Now I have to wait, until she is a little bigger and older.

A photo of the studio. Except it came out really dark. She's the tiny kid in the foreground (if you can make her out in the darkness). She unclung herself to me long enough for me to fire one shot.



Now I have figured out the video function, its time for the obligatory post. I can demonstrate my daughter will sleep on me wherever and whenever. Incredibly even through a Lion dance....and I can tell you it was indoors and DEAFENING!!

The Golden Gate

Coming to the end of the year, I have a few thoughts in passing.

This is to my wife, in the hope she will find reason and peace. It seems she will not, at all costs, agree to a divorce. Neither will she move forward. My girl is sacrificed somewhere in the middle.

Depleted by his pain, he slowly
Walks to Jan's desk. What did not last
In life has now possessed him wholly.
Nothing can mitigate the past.
He gently touches Jan's sand dollar.
It soothes him in the ache, the squalor
That is his life, and she seems near
Him once again, and he can hear
Her voice, can almost hear her saying,
"I'm with you, John. You're not alone.

Trust me, my friend; there is the phone.
It isn't me you are obeying.
Pay what are your own heart's arrears.
Now clear your throat, and dry those tears."


Vikram Seth- The Golden Gate. (last page of a VERY long poem)

I have not seen my daughter for about ten days. A bad sign came the week before when I got an SMS from the wife saying that she had moved and had pulled Summer from the pre-school. Now I have absolutely no idea where she stays or where the school would be.

There was a hint that I would be able to see Summer once a week, in return for not being able to fetch her after school. After 2 years of not having a full day with my girl, I really don't know what to feel anymore. Then on Friday (26 Dec Boxing Day) bad signs came as she would not return or confirm whether I would be able to see my daughter. Somewhere areound midnight, SMS came, more or less saying it was up to me whether I wanted to see my girl or not.

Saturday morning. Guess what. Another SMS saying she would not let me see my daughter. I'm waiting in the car having driven to some shopping complex to wait for them.
I have not seen my daughter for Christmas, New Year, her birthday, Chinese New Year, my birthday for the last two years. I don't know what to say anymore, except I'm numb.
This Christmas has come and gone, and the new year will pass also, without my seeing my girl. My poor daughter does not know how normal parents behave. But in my mind , I see my daughter waiting patiently for me after school , and running at me to knock me to my feet in her happiness. I hope she keeps her innocence.

My daughter. Summer, who will turn 4 in a month or so. I see in her eyes the glimmer of happiness and love when she snuggles up and proclaims.."papa, I want to sleep on your hand (or body)" . She hugs my forearm or whatever part of me that is available, closes her eyes and wriggles for a sleeping position. If she closes her eyes long enough,and manages not to fall off, she will fall into slumber. Sometimes fitful, sometimes dead to the world. A tiny force of nature who rocks my world.

A fleeting moment in time and she will never be this age again. I would give anything to hold on to this moment.. As humans , we age and our memory grows dim, for memory is a poor recorder of feelings. But she will grow older,and i will grow older and with grace of god (if I were christian?), we will grow together as father and daughter. What will tomorrow bring? We can only feed the present with love and hope. In the way wines mature and mighty trees grow from little seedlings, I hope to see my daughter grow and grow up together.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Do not go gentle into that good night- Dylan Thomas